Say, for example, you’re preparing to make amends to a former coworker, whom you once stole from to pay for drugs. In addition to apologizing and asking for their forgiveness regarding the incident in question, you might offer to repay them in full for the money you stole. To fix broken relationships, you have to put a lot of effort into making things work. It’s not enough to say to someone that you apologize and feel badly for how you acted in the past. It takes a certain maturity and level of respect for yourself and the person you’re hoping to reconnect with to get past any past issues.

Each step signifies a new challenge to reflect and/or act in a way that changes old mindsets and behaviors that once fed addiction. Through mutual support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, members learn and practice these spiritual https://ecosoberhouse.com/ steps and principles, with a view to staying sober and helping others do the same. You need to find the approach that works best for you. Talk with your sponsor or others in your recovery community about what has worked for them.

What is Living Amends?

Making these types of life changes is difficult and requires lots of hard, emotionally-complex work, but it’s worth all the effort in the end. It’s not one we use too frequently in our everyday language, but it still holds significant meaning. living amends To make amends means to apologize for something you have done or for wronging someone in some way. It means mending, or (quite literally) fixing, the relationship. Some of these same things can happen to the other person in the process.

• What most of us wanted in the way of amends from another was to have that person acknowledge their part in harming us.
• It took time for us to emerge from our chrysalis fully committed to recovery, and the people around us are entitled to go through the process without being rushed.
• One of the greatest regrets some people endure is not apologizing to a loved one for past wrongs before they die.
• Living Amends is a positive way to display to others and to prove to yourself that you have evolved from the person that you used to be.
• When the person you owe reparations to has died, you can still make living amends by changing things about you and how you live your life.

Allowing others the dignity to live their lives in their own way. Being free of resentment is an amends in and of itself. Turns out, I was a bossy control freak who was terrified of everything. I had all the answers, and I shared them with everyone.

Twelve Steps for Parents: How to Make Amends with Children and Family

When my husband misses a turn because he’s in the wrong lane, I say nothing. When he runs out of medicine because he didn’t call the doctor for a refill, I trust he has the intelligence to solve his own problem. When he handles a situation at work “the wrong way” I keep my opinion to myself. I am not proud of that, but it is the reality of how I used to behave.

Accepting that this is their view, we can restate our amends to help keep our boundaries and recovery perspective in order. We remember we are cleaning up our part in each relationship, no matter how others may see it. When I first came to recovery, I was certain steps 8 and 9 would be a breeze. After all, I hadn’t hurt anyone (Step 8), so I didn’t need to make any amends (Step 9).

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Tragic events happen every day, and in ways we least expect. Many individuals know that they need to apologize to someone they love but fail to do so out of pride or ego. As a result, the opportunity is lost to make things right if that person dies before they can apologize.

To act beyond our old patterns of behavior, many of us require guidance. The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing. This is part of our ongoing commitment to ensure FHE Health is trusted as a leader in mental health and addiction care.

They may find resolution and understanding about the past. Or, they may gain greater insights about addiction and commit to being a more supportive person in your recovery. When you make amends, the way you look and feel about situations changes. You can gain clarity about what happened and what should have happened. If you’re on the fence about Step 9, remember that making amends can help you and the other person.

Deathbed promises are a common way people make living amends. They want to find ways of making up for all their past wrongs, and they don’t want to miss the opportunity to do so once their loved one dies. In these cases, they make promises of cleaning up their act and changing their behaviors to their loved ones just before they die. When the person you owe reparations to has died, you can still make living amends by changing things about you and how you live your life. These changes can positively impact the people you love and care about. Often, people with substance use disorders cause harm to others, either intentionally or inadvertently.

Amends are not about getting things off our chest at the expense of others. Rather, they are spiritual exercises in humility whereby we are watchful of our attitudes and actions. Healthy behavior can be our most powerful amends; it is a testament to our recovery. The amends I made to her was admitting my wrongs and shortcomings due to my addiction. My living amends is being the son she deserves–someone who will do for her as she has always done for me.